This can serve as a reference for my friends who I constantly berate for saying things in my presence which make me shout very loudly. Or, in fact, if I ever have to meet you. Or see you in the street. On TV. Anywhere.
Indeed
‘Indeed’ is not a suitable response to a statement. If there is a way to patronise someone there it is. Six letters, two syllables and ten tons of arrogance accompany this seemingly innocent reply. When I hear this said to me I burn down the offender’s house and their family suffer at my hand.
Random, used in the wrong context or meaning
Having a party, inviting a load of people and then declaring that ‘a load of random people showed up’ is not a random event.
Going to the supermarket and buying dusters, mini eggs, copy of Horse and Hound and three bags of hamster food and coming home and declaring that ‘ I bought loads of random things at the shops!!!1!!111!’ is not random. Knowing that what you bought may be seen as slightly out of character enough to declare it removes the random element of the trip.
Please stop calling your photo albums on Facebook ‘random’ or ‘randoms’. They are people you know and everybody is aware you put the pictures on there for a reason because EVERYONE ELSE DOES IT TOO.
‘I’m well mad!’
Putting a ferrett in your bag/ dressing up as a duck/ bringing a trolley to a party/ wearing a traffic cone on your head etc etc does not make you mad. It makes you desperate.
‘I’m different!’
The generic black skulls t-shirts, trousers with chains on, boots with big buckles, piercings, Nirvana hoodies et al do not make you unique. I don’t see how you haven’t looked around and noticed that it’s all the same. Believe me, I was one of you once.
‘Can I borrow a fag/ Do you have a spare fag?’
Yes because I always carry spares. To borrow something insiunats it will be returned and I doubt this as you are a smelly man who I don’t want to see again. NO.
Also if you are Ruby Wax I suggest you keep very well out of my way.
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